do a TON of things. And one of those things is to update my blog, but honestly.....I've been purposefully not doing it. I know if I were to post something, 95% of it would be negative stuff. haha I know it's sad, I'm sure most of the people I know think I'm the most pesimistic person and that I think life sucks. Well, you wouldn't be far from the truth, haha at least as of late. It's hard, this whole "growing up" thing and starting a family. To be honest I had a completely different future thought out for him when I was in high school. I'm not saying I'm not happy with my life now, I love my life, I'm just saying it's definitely taken a different course then I would have imagined. I find that my biggest struggle is being emotionally "there" all the time. I'm the type of person who can easily shut out everything around me and that isn't always a good thing. I know I seem flaky a lot of times and on occasion I know I am, but most of the time I just feel so detatched from everything. I can be a room, holding Bentley, and have absolutely nothing run through my mind. This has always been something I've battled with. At times I've even considered that I'm slightly ADHD. I know that sounds funny to say, but I've worked with enough kids who have it to notice certain similarities. I can't always ground my thoughts or feelings, they're always at the tip of my mind and yet I can't express them. Again, this is where I feel the detatchment I was talking about. It's very frustrating and has definitely caused many un-needed arguments between Jayson and I. How can I explain to someone that I'm trying to listen and feel.....when my mind blocks me out? I know this all sounds very made up or confusing, and I don't expect anyone to understand, I've just really needed to vent lately. I feel like I don't even have anymore emotion to spread around evenly. Between being a wife (which I suck at btw), a mother (we've made it a year 1/2 so I must be doing something right), a daughter (we're not even going to touch that subject), sister (again....lets not go there), even as a co-worker (thanks for not kicking me for my weirdness!!) I feel like I'm barely dog paddling above the water. I wish there were a place where I could go and just not have to THINK about anything. Like a scensory room that we always joke about at work *wink* I understand this is all a part of life, I do get that. It's just hard when I know that certain changes could make it EASIER.....and yet those changes haven't been met. *sigh* I could go on all day switching back and worth from emotion to emotion, but I won't. If I've learned from work, it's to ALWAYS try to end on a good note (thanks for the lesson Crystal!) So here goes.....
I love my little family. I may not always feel like the best mom, but there is something about have your little guy run to you with open arms and a huge smile that makes the negative thoughts dim for a while. I'm so blessed to be the mother of a beautiful little boy who brings SO much joy to so many people. I've seen different sides of family members because of this little guy. He makes me so proud.
To my wonderful husband.....I know I could write you a 2 foot list of all the things I don't do for you....and for that I'm sorry. I'm an odd person, and I definitely show my love in odd ways, but I want you to know that I love you so much. You have given me a life I never knew I could have. I've know joy I didn't think I could know. You've taught me so many life skills that I didn't know I needed to learn! You're a great teacher and you are never one to back down from your opinions. You come from an amazing family that I'm truly blessed to be a part of. Having their love has definitely gotten me through some tough times. You are an amazing father to Bentley and I know that our kids will NEVER feel like they missed out on "daddy time". You're always so eager to go out and teach and I can't wait to watch you teach our children the knowledge that yohave to share. You know how to life me up when I'm pretty sure I'm down for the count. You support me in so many things when I know it's driving you crazy to. You've given me a beautiful family and I will always be eternally greatful to you.
Last but not least, I know I should end on something positive about ME....so here goes.....*insert cricket sounds*.....HAHA I like the spelling of my name. I like the fact that I enjoy cleaning and I use it as a stress reliever. I do feel like I can be a good friend to someone if they look past my flaws and keep up with me. I'm so very blessed that I am my Grandma Judy's granddaugheter.....I didn't have enough time with her but I know she's watching out for me and I'm constantly thinking of her and wishing I could experience a lot of these things with her.
Ok, so that's it. If you actually took the time to read this, well then wow to you. haha This was a little therapy that I needed and I thank you for indulging me with you're time!!!
